When to tell

Dating is a challenge if you are disabled. When your disability results from abuse, it's even more challenging. When chatting with someone online, when do you tell them that you are disabled? When they ask what happened, how do you answer?

I've come to the conclusion that I want people to know about my disability right up front. Let's be honest, if they aren't interested in me because of my disability, I'd rather not get involved with them at all. Besides, I would hate to show up for a date and have them run when they saw the chair (it really doesn't bite people).

It's interesting the responses. I've gotten a few "are people like you allowed to date", umm, I don't believe there is a law against it, next! A few "so, umm, do you have feeling, how does that make sex work?" Well, I do have feeling, and either way, a few e-mails first at least. Way to tell me what you are really looking for ;) And finally, a few "wow, you are so brave for putting that up." Well, no, I'm being honest. And in a way, I would rather be turned down before I meet someone than after. So, not brave, just protecting myself.

The second challenge is how to explain what happened. I'm disabled from some combination of a springboard diving accident, surgery to repair torn cartilage, and a boyfriend who dropped a weight bench on it about a week after surgery. Somewhere in there the nerves went haywire. So do I tell a potential suitor the whole story? Do I let them in on my abuse history that soon, or do I wait? Part of me wants people to know. It's not my secret, and I refuse to be ashamed. At the same time, that's a pretty personal thing to tell someone on a first date. Not exactly a happy topic. I mean, abuse has got to be a bigger first date "no-no" than politics and religion.

In the end, I just answer the question. My policy is that if they ask more, I'm happy to answer it, but if they don't ask, then I don't generally bring it up. I've seen a few too many people who freak out. They either get mad at my abuser and want to track him down, or they can't see me the same way. The truth is, surviving abuse is part of who I am, and all I want is acceptance of that.

There are probably people who are wondering why this belongs on a disability blog, since a lot of it is really about abuse. But for me, there isn't a separation. When I had to come to terms with my disability I was also dealing with the aftermath of abuse. The two are linked for me. Sadly, there are few resources for people like me who are fighting to change that. Just once, I would like to meet someone who understood the way the two issues entwine.

Dating, disability, and abuse. Ah, the complexities of my life. ;)