Sense of humor, or "wow, that joke failed"

Sorry for the break all. Work got busy, and I just couldn't face the idea of coming home and writing even more content after doing it all day.

Sense of humor. The truth is that there is often a fine line between joking about something, and being hurtful. I experienced someone who didn't know that that line even existed, and tripped right over it.

Here's the story:

I've recently been dating a really sweet guy. He's into bowling and I've occasionally gone to watch him bowl (I bring my knitting and it actually can be a fair amount of fun). There's someone on one of his teams that I'll call Sean for the purposes of the post. This guy is hardcore into bowling (around 30 games a week). Nothing wrong with that. I, on the other hand, haven't even tried bowling since I was about 5. I also use a wheelchair or crutches most of the time because of knee instability and pain from nerve damage. I've met the guy, and talked, but don't really know him well.

Sean texted my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to bowl a couple of games on Saturday morning (I was visiting for the weekend). I was fine with that. I even suggested that this might be the time to let me try and see if I could figure out a way to bowl. So we said sure and just checked that it wouldn't be an issue for me to join them (after all, I would be new to this and while I wouldn't try to hold the game up, I'm not likely to get a lot of strikes). His response was hurtful. To quote "Sure, just bring a shovel to scoop her up off the approach when her knee goes out on the slide". Cue me: Yeah, I know people say this kind of stuff all the time, but it caught me by surprise.

My boyfriend let Sean know that it wasn't cool, and that we certainly wouldn't be joining him Saturday.

And it got me thinking. Wiser heads reminded me that this was likely a joke that failed. And the truth is that from a close friend, I probably would have seen this as a joke. Over the years, I've had friends/family attempt to trick out my wheelchair (the Ben Hur spikes weren't really my thing, mainly because I like having hands on my wrists), joke about my crutches (which are ancient, and painted green), my knee, me falling down. I've been playfully called gimp, cripple, wheelie, and every other name they can think of. None of it bothered me.

So what's the difference. How do I explain to people that this is a situation where they could be really hurtful without meaning to, and that these are the kinds of jokes that you can only tell with close friends?

I think part of the problem is that people don't realize the history of discrimination, and so don't see it as something they have to be sensitive to. Most people would never walk up to a Black person they barely know and tell a joke that involves race as a punch line. But they don't see the same impact for people with disabilities. They don't look around and see the pervasive discrimination that I still face. It's an awareness thing. They don't see the store that isn't accessible because of one little step at the entrance, it just doesn't occur to them that that is a form of sayin "keep out". They also don't spend time talking to the people who are still discriminated against. The people who still can't get anyone to believe them, or help them, because of their disability. They haven't experienced people treated them like glorified pets simply because they use a wheelchair.

So part of the problem is that they simply don't get that disability can be a sensitive topic. It's just not part of their understanding. And the other part of the problem is that they don't seem to get that there are jokes you can make with a friend, and jokes you can make with a stranger. And you should probably ask yourself which kind you're telling.

If you've gotten this far, look around for a day and notice all the stairs you take and think that each of those is a giant "people with disabilities aren't welcome" sign. Then think hard about "joking" about that.